the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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