Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
