the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
