i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Semen is not good for contacts.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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