Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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