I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
