Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
