How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I still have a little drunk in my system
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
