Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Randomize
