He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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