Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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