I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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