Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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