Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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