The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
