Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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