Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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