He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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