Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
