Screwed.edu
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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