someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
