I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize