I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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