he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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