i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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