this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
