Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hippo gnu deer
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
