she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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