your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
