i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
