You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
