Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
