My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
