i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
