I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I need a burrito and a hug.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize