and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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