the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i will never coherently bang her
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
