I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
