i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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