sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize