meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
