How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize