R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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