I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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