does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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