true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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