my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
