i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I want you more than these girls want KFC
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
