I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
