Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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