everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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