Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
