we have officially lost it.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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