You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
