Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
