And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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