Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
