Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
