I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
