my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
