Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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