Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
